by Bruce Grimes

One day Bruce and Andrew were searching the internet and found a very scary Cookie Monster emoji. That prompted them to make their own scary Cookie Monster cookie: A combination St. Patrick’s Day and Easter cookie. 

“We’re scared now!” they hollered. Bruce and Andrew baked a big batch and then transported to Egypt through a teleporting portal to sell their cookies on the street there.

Egypt used to have sand dunes and scary mummies. That’s why Bruce and Andrew thought their scary cookies might be popular there.

But when the arrived in Egypt, people asked them for lemon cookies instead.

“We want lemon cookies!” they shouted. They picketed for lemon cookies. They held up paper signs that said “We want lemon cookies.” The crowd chanted over and over: “We want lemon cookies! We want lemon cookies!” They also chanted: “We want soft bread! We want soft bread!”

The chanting must have whetted their appetites because then they started saying, “We want pasta, too!”

Bruce and Andrew were in a pickle. They thought, “Where can we build a bar and restaurant to give people what they want to eat? It would be a great to have a bakery there too.”

They built a sand castle as big as Bruce’s bedroom back home. They built a kitchen over a fire pit they could use to bake cookies and fresh bread, and also boil pasta.

Next, they needed all the ingredients for their delicious foods. But Bruce and Andrew were poor, and couldn’t afford to buy ingredients.

“Hey,” Bruce said, “let’s make our stuff out of sand. There’s plenty of sand here for the taking.”

“Yeah, let’s do that,” Andrew replied. 

The people became an angry mob. “We want real food, not sand food!” they cried. 

Bruce and Andrew said, “We don’t know what to do. We’re so poor, but we want to give people the foods they like to eat.”

They asked the crowd to bring ingredients to them. “We need lemons, flour, baking soda, eggs, butter, and sugar,” they called out. “And yeast! If you bring those to us, we will bake delicious lemon cookies and fresh bread for you!”

The crowd cheered. They lined up in a long parade and presented to Bruce and Andrew the ingredients one at a time. A tall man handed them a lemon. A smiling woman handed them an egg. A giggling child brought a bag of flour and yeast. A man in a wheelchair brought everything else: butter, baking soda and sugar. 

Bruce and Andrew got to work. They baked and baked! 

After a few days of non-stop baking, they were very tired. “Why don’t we hire some people to do the baking?” They hired Fred and Barney and taught them how to bake the popular lemon cookies and fragrant fresh bread. 

Fred and Barney were hard workers. They got good at baking dozens of cookies at a time.

​They sold the cookies for $2 a piece, and bread for $3 a loaf. It was dirt cheap. 

Just not, you know, sand cheap.

by Bruce Grimes

Two apes, Randy and Doug, escaped from Africa and stowed away on an airplane to California. There, they went  into a pizza restaurant, dressed up like humans, to apply for jobs. They wanted to earn $1,000 to $1,200 to donate to a homeless shelter and to Feed My Starving Children. 

Jill the restaurant owner took one look at their strong arms and said, “You can probably throw pizza crusts like pros! You’re hired!” Randy and Doug made extra-large pizzas so fast and so delicious that people crowded to the restaurant to taste them. They started to get inventive with their flavors: They made cheeseburger pizza and steak pizza. Delicious! Customers wanted more.

Then Doug and Randy invented fruit pizza with bananas, strawberries and grapes. The customers loved it! Jill tripled the prices of the fruit pizzas because the customers loved them so much. 

She gave Doug and Randy a bonus of $1,100. Jill said, “You guys have been great for business. Thank you so much for bringing in new customers.”

The restaurant had been on the TV show “Bar Rescue” and the host John Tapper tried to improve the business. It turns out that the apes, Doug and Randy, did a much better job!
“You’re welcome!” they told Jill. “We’re going to turn this into more money.” They bought a lottery ticket that won $1 million. Wow! They gave most of it to the homeless shelter and Feed My Starving Children, and then they used the rest to buy a car with airplane controls that could fly. 

They flew to Minnesota and went to another restaurant there, the Chinese Buffet. They asked for jobs there so they could earn even more money for the causes they wanted to support.
“We’ll work overnight and stay out of trouble,” Randy and Doug told the restaurant manager, Andrew. 

“Please clean and wash everything in the whole restaurant,” Andrew said. “And do snow removal.”

They did triple the work that Andrew asked for. With their long arms and strong muscles, they could reach all the way up to the ceiling and in all the corners. They cleaned the whole place until it sparkled.

Andrew was so happy that Doug and Randy did such a great job. “Now I don’t have to hire a cleaning crew for a whole month,” he said. Andrew donated all the money they earned to Feed My Starving Children. 

“Will you please come back again?” he asked. But Randy and Doug said no. “We’ve got to go to the Minnesota Zoo. We’ve always wanted to live there.”

Before they left, Doug and Randy threw Andrew a birthday party. He was turning 100 years old! They served beer and wine, ice cream and chocolate cake . . . and fruit pizza.
It was a delicious adventure.

by Bruce Grimes

Brad and Bruce were the captain and mechanic of the battleship U.S. Navy One. They just met for the first time on their first trip together on this ship. They both had come from across the sea. 

The ship was leaving for Antarctica. The plan was to sink the battleship to the bottom of the sea to create an artificial reef where fish can live, especially jellyfish.

The ship was being pulled by big tugboats. Brad and Bruce and the crew were taking pipes off the ship to get it ready to sink it. It was heavy work. They got tired, and thirsty.  

Brad and Bruce decided to take a break and have a cup of tea. They would snack on some MREs during their break.

They put the ship on autopilot and left the tugboats guiding the ship in charge. They left the bridge of the battleship and went to the dining room where it was cozy and warm. 

“We’re sleepy, but it’s not bedtime yet for us,” Brad and Bruce said. “Let’s have a cup of tea, or coffee.”

“Cold cinnamon tea is usually my favorite,” said Bruce, “but it’s too chilly for that today. I want a steaming hot cup of tea.” Brad fixed it for him while Bruce kept taking pipes off the ship. Brad put chives in the tea for a spicy flavor. 

Brad made himself a cup of coffee. He put Fireball in it – a hot cinnamon liquor. Yow! He screamed, “Ah! Why did I put that in there? That’s so strong.” He drank it down anyway.

They thought they were drinking caffeinated tea and coffee, but it turns out they were decaffeinated drinks. Brad and Bruce kept yawning and yawning. Before long, they were both asleep.

They dreamed about the ship. They were almost halfway around the world by now. By the time they woke up, the tugboats had taken the battleship all the way to Antarctica. 

When they arrived, the people there said, “Hey, we don’t want that ship in our sea!” So Brad and Bruce took the ship to the Bahamas instead.
​
And this time, they made sure the coffee and tea was caffeinated. ​

by Bruce Grimes

Two women talked to donkeys. And the donkeys could talk back. 

Wilma and Becky had a herd of 1,000 donkeys. They took the whole herd to California on a big cruise ship. 

On the way, the cruise ship ran into a big bunch of smoke coming from a fire. The fire was coming from another cruise ship nearby! 

The second ship was radioing “SOS!” when Wilma and Becky’s ship was nearby. Their ship hurried to the rescue. They picked up elephants and zebras – an entire zoo of animals that was on the burning ship. Just in time!

The animals said, “Thank you for saving us!”

Wilma and Becky replied, “You’re welcome! There’s just one problem. We don’t have enough food for all of you.” 

So they radioed to a tugboat to bring some food from the nearest zoo. When the tugboat arrived, Wilma and Becky asked the tugboat captain, “Where can we bring all these animals to be safe? They’re from so many different places around the world, and need different habitats – including the penguins.”

“I can radio another tugboat with a zookeeper on board,” the captain said. “The zookeeper can help guide you around the world to return the animals all to their natural homes.”

Wilma and Becky thought, “Great! What a trip! Let’s get started!”

Suddenly, the cruise ship ran out of gas. The tugboat captain asked the second tugboat with the zookeeper onboard to also bring fuel for the ship, and help pull the ship into the deep ocean to start the journey around the world. 

Their first destination: Africa! 

They traveled six days to the coast of Africa, where the elephants and the zebras belonged, to live on the wide open plains and fields.

But the elephants were so big and heavy they damaged the ship, and water started leaking out all over the boat. Wilma and Becky laid down some steel beams for the elephants to walk across. That made the ship sturdy enough to finish the journey. The monkeys kept climbing on top of the penguins, because their space in the ship was so small. 

Wilma and Becky docked the ship along the coast of Africa, and the animals walked down the ramp onto the dock. It looked like a parade! People nearby were startled to see them. 

The donkeys wanted to stay in Africa, too. After all, that’s where donkeys first came from over 6,000 years ago. One of the donkeys, Finnegan, told Wilma and Becky, “Let’s leave all the animals here so you guys can transport back to Minnesota through a TV.” They said, “That’s a brilliant idea! We didn’t know you were a science fiction donkey.”

The monkeys wanted to go to the space center to learn how to fly spaceships, and bring the penguins with them into space. The penguins didn’t like that idea. “We want to go to the Minnesota Zoo!” they shouted. “We can transport through the TV, too.”

Wilma and Becky replied, “We’ll have to go to the Minnesota Zoo and donate the penguins.”
So they did.

by Bruce Grimes

But Tony and Alex were in trouble. They were wearing shorts and tank tops, which are good for the Bahamas but not for Antarctica. Man, were they cold! They needed some winter attire right away so they wouldn’t catch pneumonia.
​
They met a group of scientists who were studying the coldest killer whales on Earth. The scientists were surprised to see Tony and Alex. “What are you two doing here?” they asked. “We don’t know how we got here! We ended up in a portal,” they said. The scientists took them in and gave them warm clothes and heavy parkas to wear. They gave them hot cocoa in Vikings Yeti cups.

That night, they watched the Southern Lights with the scientists through binoculars and telescopes. 

Free Willie had gone to find his family. He found them nearby, and they were so happy to see each other again!

Tony and Alex spent the night with the scientists at their research station. The next morning, they said goodbye and thank you to the scientists. They went back to the portal and stepped through . . . right back onto the beach in the Bahamas, still wearing their Antarctica parkas. 
​
“What an adventure!” they laughed.

by Bruce Grimes
(to the tune of Queen’s “We Will Rock You”)

Bruce and Andrew woke to a fresh snow, ready for adventures winter-style!
Put on their boots, bundled outside, laughed and kicked the snow all around.
We will, we will frost you
We will, we will frost you

Bruce and Andrew took a big sled to Buck Hill, tobogganing together for a winter thrill!
Singing we will, we will frost you
We will, we will frost you

Bruce and Andrew rolled snow into big piles, planning to make two snowmen alike
Smiles on their face, standing in place, it was Frosty and his snowy wife!
We will, we will frost you
We will, we will frost you

Bruce and Andrew planned a ride to the famous Joe’s Bar
To have a near beer and listen to guitar
They took a snowmobile across the slopes, got to the bar and told some jokes!
Then they sang: “Frosty the snowman was a grumpy stumpy soul”
No! They sang we will, we will frost you
We will, we will frost you!

by Bruce Grimes

Frosty the Snowman was a grumpy, stumpy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
Who wanted a wife made of snow.

Frosty the Snowman had a clever plan in mind
To make his way to the coldest place
to explore the wild North Pole.

He stole a truck when he got to the Pole right from those busy elves
And when they found their truck was gone, they cried among themselves.

Frosty the Snowman drove around to find some friends
Looking here and there, all around the square
And found Rudolph ‘round the bend.

He jumped right in that moving truck to share some fun and play 
Frosty smiled and hit the gas and they were on their way!

Thumpety thump thump, grumpity grump grump - Look at Frosty go!
Thumpety thump thump, grumpity grump grump - Over the hills of snow!

A trail of toys across the snow led them to the man in red
When Frosty asked for a new snow wife, this is what he said: 
“Ho ho ho ho ho!”

Santa used his magic to make a snowy wife, and Rudolph used a magic rose 
To bring that wife to life!

Thumpity thump thump, grumpity grump grump - Look at Frosty go
Thumpity thump thump, grumpity grump grump - Over the hills of snow!

Frosty and Mrs. climbed into Santa’s sleigh
They flew all night to the place just right: Minnesota USA!

Santa used his magic to freeze them for all time
And now they live year-round in frost and enjoy their life just fine!

Thumpity thump thump, grumpity grump grump - Look at the Frosties go!
Thumpity thump thump, grumpity grump grump – in the land of snow!

by Bruce Grimes

Two groovy astronauts, Freddy and Christmas Tree, went into space. They went to the moon. It collapsed when they shot a laser gun by accident. “Oops,” they said. They returned to Earth to do some Space X training on how to handle laser guns.
 
After they finished their training, they went on a mission to Mars to fix up an old robot that was broken down, at an old space station.

It took 3 months to get to Mars. Along the way, they ate frozen pizza from the luggage in their space capsule. They also ate some pumpkin pie, which was frozen like ice cream. 

They transported a chimpanzee along with them, to live on Mars and fix things there when they broke down. The chimpanzee was 20 years old; it had learned from humans how to become a mechanic. The chimp, Rudolph, was a very fast learner.

Rudolph got sick when they landed on Mars. He had eaten too much human food. The astronauts quickly took him to the space station near where they landed. There were robot doctors at the space station. They told the astronauts to leave the chimpanzee there. The astronauts tried to radio to their big bosses on Earth, but they couldn’t get through. So they had to stay on Mars with Rudolph until he got better. 

They brought Rudolph back to Earth. He had gotten very sick from eating all that human food. There was monkey food on Mars, but it was all medicine. Rudolph wouldn’t do very well if he stayed on Mars. He could barely move his hands. 

When they got back to Earth, Freddy and Christmas Tree brought Rudolph to the Minnesota Zoo where he could have a good diet of monkey food and get better. At the zoo, he was with other chimpanzees who also knew how to fix mechanical things. 

Meanwhile, the president sent Freddy and Christmas Tree back to space. “Go back, and fix the robots,” he said. “You guys should be fired for feeding a chimp pizza and pumpkin pie.” 

And so they did. Rudolph waved goodbye when the spaceship flew over the zoo.

Enjoy this Discover Magazine story about NASA’s history of chimpanzees in space

by Bruce Grimes

Tanya and Luke were going up North to their cabin when they got stuck in a rainstorm, and also got a flat tire. They had to call for help, but their cell phone was out of range. They couldn’t reach anyone to help them. Finally, they flagged someone down. It was a tow truck driver. What a stroke of luck for them!

He fixed the flat tire. It took 2 or 3 hours. Tanya and Luke were getting really hungry . . . for turkey! They had been thinking about it all day. Their friend Bruce the award-winning chef was already at their cabin cooking a Thanksgiving feast. Bruce was as good a chef as Gordon Ramsay, but he was a much nicer guy than that hot-tempered celebrity chef. Bruce was so nice he often gave his friends $100 bills. 

When the flat tire was fixed, Tanya and Luke invited the tow truck driver to their cabin for Thanksgiving dinner. The driver, Randy, said yes. He had a really big live turkey in his truck. He chopped off its head so they could have a bigger turkey to eat. They cooked two turkeys at the cabin up North. They cooked one over the fire in the fireplace while Bruce was cooking the other one in the oven.

While the turkeys were cooking, their neighbor and friend Audrey knocked at the door and brought in a bunch of pumpkin pies and banana cream pies.  

Tanya and Luke said, “Thank you so much!” 

Audrey said, “You’re welcome! Can I stay for dinner?” 

After they all ate together, they watched “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” movie together. They watched the Macy’s Day Parade. Everyone fell asleep on a cozy futon and had a dream about traveling to California all together in Randy’s tow truck with a flock of wild turkeys roosting on the back of the truck. 
​
Gobble gobble!

by Bruce Grimes

There were two thieves named Frankenstein and Keith Urban. They stole a bunch of computers from a market where Bruce was selling repurposed computers that don’t cost very much money. 

They threw Bruce’s computers in the dumpster. They wanted to tie Bruce up and hold him for ransom. Bruce yelled, “Help! I’ve been stolen!”

Frankenstein and Keith Urban said, “You be quiet. We’re going to make you go through a drive thru with us while we steal money.”

Bruce felt very upset and mad to be taken on such a bad kind of adventure. “You better let me go, or I will tell the police!” Bruce said.

Then they said to each other, “We better let him go.” 

So they took Bruce to Belvedere Castle in Central Park, in the middle of New York City. They let him go after staying with Bruce all night in the castle. 

In the morning, a military man marched right up to the castle and said, “You’re coming with me, Bruce to help me give out MREs for Christmas presents.” The meals were for people across the country whose houses were damaged when a hurricane came through.

Frankenstein and Keith Urban snuck out of the castle and went back home. The military man, Adam, told Bruce, “We could really use an old-time wheelchair to deliver these meals. Shall we make one together?”

They looked around Belvedere Castle to find materials to make a wheelchair with an old belt motor. 

Bruce had gone to school to learn how to fix cars. He was especially good at changing oil and fixing tires. He knew what he and Adam needed to be able to build a belt-motor wheelchair. They looked around the castle for only 15 minutes before they found everything they needed to build the chair. It worked pretty well, for the most part. 

They started out on the journey to the closest military base. Suddenly, the chair broken down. The motor fell down to the ground and exploded! Fortunately, no one was hurt. But now, Bruce and Adam had to find a horse to pull the wheelchair. There were lots of horse-drawn carriages in Central Park, so they borrowed a horse from one of the carriage drivers. 

They delivered all the meals and returned to Adam’s military base. Bruce was given a Blue Heart Medal for delivering all the meals. Adam got one too. They became close friends. They sometimes met up at Belvedere Castle for a fun afternoon together and a carriage ride.